spoiler alert: it’s not always a happy ending

Adoption is often framed as a win-win: a child gains a family & a family gets to grow. That narrative is familiar, comforting, and easy for people to understand.

But for many adoptees, that narrative is incomplete or even completely untrue. Even when adoption brings love, safety, or stability, it also begins with separation and loss.

One framework that helps explain the emotional complexity of adoption is the Seven Core Issues in Adoption, originally developed by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Deborah Silverstein. These themes are not problems adoptees need to “fix” but rather, common emotional experiences that can continue resurfacing throughout different stages of life for adoptees, biological families, and adoptive families alike.

loss

Not to keep beating a dead horse here, but adoption begins with loss. Adoptees may grieve biological family connections, cultural or racial identity, or information surrounding their origins and history.

Some losses are concrete, while others are harder to define. Many adoptees grow up sensing that something important is missing without always having the language to fully explain it.

rejection

At the core of adoption is often a perception, fear, or experience of rejection. Even when the circumstances surrounding relinquishment are complex, many adoptees internalize questions such as: “Why didn’t they keep me?” or “Was something wrong with me?”

These fears can continue resurfacing in friendships, romantic relationships, and family dynamics long after adoption itself occurred.

guilt & shame

Many adoptees carry guilt, shame, or divided loyalties surrounding their adoption. Some feel guilty for wondering about biological family members or for struggling emotionally despite loving their adoptive family. Others internalize shame surrounding being “different,” feeling disconnected, or not fully belonging.

These experiences are often deeply internal and rarely openly discussed, which can make them feel even heavier to carry.

grief

Grief in adoption is often invisible and misunderstood. Adoptees may grieve biological family connections, lost relationships, unanswered questions, or parts of their identity and history that feel incomplete or inaccessible.

Because adoption is so often framed as a positive outcome, many adoptees struggle to openly acknowledge grief without feeling guilty or ungrateful.

identity

Adoption can complicate the process of understanding where you come from, who you are connected to, and where you fully belong.

Lack of information surrounding biological family, medical history, culture, race, or personal history can make identity development feel more complicated, especially during adolescence and young adulthood. Some adoptees describe feeling disconnected from parts of themselves or struggling to fully reconcile different parts of their story and identity.

For transracial and international adoptees, identity development may also involve navigating racial identity, cultural disconnection, or feeling caught between different communities, cultures, or family systems.

intimacy & relationships

When early experiences involve separation, disrupted attachment, and loss, relationships can feel emotionally complicated. Many adoptees desire connection while simultaneously fearing rejection, abandonment, or emotional vulnerability.

This can show up through emotional guardedness, hyper-independence, difficulty trusting others, or heightened sensitivity to rejection within relationships. These patterns are not signs that adoptees are incapable of closeness; they often reflect early experiences that shaped how safety and attachment were experienced from the beginning.

control

Adoption often involves a profound loss of control. Life-changing decisions are often made for children long before they are old enough to understand or have a voice in the process. This can create a deep need for predictability, autonomy, or emotional self-protection later in life.

Control-related struggles may appear through perfectionism, emotional withdrawal, anger, defiance, hyper-independence, or difficulty tolerating uncertainty. These behaviors are often attempts to regain a sense of safety, stability, or emotional control.

These seven core issues are not phases adoptees grow out of. They are themes that can continue resurfacing throughout different stages of development, relationships, and major life transitions.

Not every adoptee will relate to every issue, but frameworks like this can help put language to experiences that often feel confusing, isolating, or difficult to explain.