more than words
If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked, "Do you know your real parents?" Let's just say I'd be making my way through every restaurant in Chicago one dinner reservation at a time.
Most people don't ask this question with bad intentions. In fact, many people don't realize there is anything problematic about it at all. But language carries meaning, even when we don't intend it to.
When people refer to biological parents as "real parents," it can unintentionally suggest that adoptive parents are somehow less real or less legitimate. For adoptees, comments like this can reinforce complicated feelings surrounding identity, belonging, and family.
The language we use around adoption matters because it reflects larger beliefs about what makes a family "real" and how adoptees are expected to feel about their adoption. Over time, those messages can shape how adoptees understand belonging, loyalty, identity, and connection.
Even when unintentional, words can have an impact.
the history behind adoption language
Let's take another common phrase: put up for adoption.
Most people use this phrase without giving it a second thought, but its origins are worth understanding.
The phrase dates back to the Orphan Train era (1854–1929), when orphaned children were transported across the United States and Canada to be placed with families. At train stops, children were literally put up on platforms and prospective families selected which child/children they wanted to take home.
While most people using the phrase today are completely unaware of that history, it serves as a reminder that language can continue carrying outdated ideas long after the original context has been forgotten.
positive adoption language
As awareness around adoption grew, many people within the adoption community began advocating for more thoughtful language. The idea behind positive adoption language was to move away from terms rooted in shame, abandonment, or illegitimacy and toward language that felt more respectful and accurate.
This isn't about being politically correct or pretending adoption is always positive. It's about recognizing that words influence how we think about adoption and the people whose lives have been shaped by it.
For example, many people now use terms such as biological parent, birth parent, or first parent rather than real parent. Similarly, phrases like placed for adoption are often preferred over gave up or put up for adoption.
Language alone cannot erase the complexity of adoption. It cannot undo loss, answer difficult questions, or eliminate painful experiences. But thoughtful language can help create conversations that feel more respectful, nuanced, and emotionally aware. It can also create more space for adoptees to talk about their experiences without feeling reduced to stereotypes or outdated narratives.
It's okay to make mistakes when talking about adoption. Most people are not trying to be hurtful and no one gets every term right all the time. One of the simplest ways to do better is to listen to how adoptees describe their own experiences and remain open to reconsidering language that may carry unintended implications.
Small shifts in language may seem insignificant, but they can shape the way conversations feel. When we become more thoughtful about the words we use, we create more room for understanding, curiosity, and respect. And that's a pretty good place to start.
