more than words

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked: “do you know your real parents?” (Let’s just say I’d be making my way through every restaurant in Chicago one dinner reservation at a time)

Most people do not ask this question with bad intentions. But language carries meaning, even when people do not realize it. When people refer to biological parents as “real parents,” it unintentionally suggests that adoptive parents are somehow less real or less valid. And for adoptees, comments like this can reinforce complicated feelings surrounding identity, belonging, and family.

The language we use around adoption matters because it reflects larger societal beliefs about adoption and family. Certain phrases reinforce ideas about what makes a family “real” and how adoptees are expected to feel about their adoption. Over time, this language can shape how adoptees understand belonging, identity, loyalty, and connection within their families and relationships. And even when unintentional, those messages still have an impact.

the history behind adoption language

Let’s take another common phrase: put up for adoption.

This phrase comes from the Orphan Train era (1854–1929), when orphaned children were sent by train across the U.S. and Canada to be placed with families. At each stop, children were literally put up on platforms so the adults selected which one(s) they wanted to take home.

Today, people use this phrasing without being aware of its origin. This demonstrates how certain language can continue carrying outdated and dehumanizing ideas long after the original context is forgotten.

positive adoption language

In response to the stigma and outdated language surrounding adoption, the concept of positive adoption language began gaining attention in the 1970s. The goal was to move away from language rooted in shame, abandonment, or illegitimacy and toward language that felt more respectful and accurate.

Positive adoption language is not about being “politically correct” or making adoption sound perfect. The goal is to use language that is more respectful, accurate, and mindful of the lived experiences of adoptees, biological families, and adoptive families.

Positive adoption language also creates more space for adoptees to talk about their experiences without feeling reduced to stereotypes or outdated narratives surrounding adoption. While language alone does not erase the complexity of adoption, more thoughtful language can help conversations feel more respectful, nuanced, and emotionally aware.

It’s okay to make mistakes when talking about adoption. One of the simplest ways to do better is by listening to how adoptees describe their own experiences and being open to rethinking phrases that may carry unintended implications. Small shifts in language may seem minor, but they can help create conversations around adoption that feel more respectful, informed, and emotionally aware.